(A very short piece I wrote because it was stuck in my head and I needed to get it out.. I feel like I should explain myself, but I won’t. )

Isn’t it funny how things turn out? How grey the world becomes in an instant, a painting of which used to hold so many vibrant colours and so much worth just washed away by one small twitching hand. A mistake.. many small mistakes, lead into a plague of catastrophe and hopelessness.

Maybe I’m one of lucky ones. I had a chance to avoid it all, avoid this feeling, it was difficult to avoid in the first place, but I guess my point is that I was once hopeful and seemed to have knowledge that everything would somehow turn out okay.  Maybe it was the pressure that destroyed me, maybe it was the guilt. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to never stop dreaming, to never stop hoping, to never stop working maybe then I would’ve never looked to the sides, to where I could fall and lose my balance. Just one turned pinky toe is all you need to send you tumbling and falling into the abyss.

Did I dive or did I trip? Was I bored of balancing? Not realising what I ever had, never understanding the pain of falling since it was something I never knew?

Well now I know.

I know the coldness under my feet. I know the wind that pushes and pulls me with agonising force. I know the rain that floats in  icy breath all around me. I know the pain in my stomach. I know I’m so done, so tired of falling.


Getting help

Entree #3

For some people getting help for mental illnesses is a rough road to trot and when just normal everyday life is debilitating how are you supposed to know how to navigate yourself through this unfamiliar environment? It’s tough and it’s something you shouldn’t beat yourself up about.

So I compiled a list of 6 reasons why it may be hard to find help and some advice on how to make crossing these barriers a little easier. All of which are ones I personally struggled with in my journey to getting the help that I needed.

Reason 1: Denial.

Many sufferers struggle with the concept of having a mental illness.  This isn’t very uncommon, they obviously know something is wrong with them but will create excuses to show why they are acting or feeling this way.

There isn’t much you can do to help these people other than talking to them and providing them with support when they do eventually come to terms with it.

Reason 2: Not wanting help.

Knowing what the problem is but denying themselves the help they need.  Often believing that they can “deal with it themselves”.  Some deny help because they have come to the conclusion that they are undeserving of it. For others it may be a matter of pride.

Many will try to deal with their mental illnesses in a negative manner, for example using alcohol and other addictive substances as a crutch. I find it is also typical to see people in this mindset isolating themselves.

To anyone in this mindset;

-You deserve help

-You need guidance, you are not coping well and it is okay to ask for help.

-People do care about you.

-And please find it within you to care about yourself, you deserve it.

Reason 3: Afraid of prejudices of others.

Ah yes, fear of the opinions of others.

You don’t want people forming new opinions of you, believing you are weak and unreliable.

You don’t want people finding out, or looking at you differently..

So so many people struggle with mental illnesses and it’s definitely nothing to be ashamed of. You’re brain is just being a little weird and that’s okay.  You’ll be surprised at how much you’ll learn about yourself and others when you are dealing with a mental illness such as anxiety or depression.

Reason 4:  Feeling lost, unsure on how to get help.

-Talk to people you trust

-Reach out to a councillor

-Call a helpline

-reach out to online services such as Headspace and Beyond Blue

-Talk to your doctor

Reason 5: Afraid of getting help

You will always have total control of your treatment and should not be forced into taking any medication or any treatment that you are not sure about. Control should only be limited if you are a risk to yourself or others.

Take a deep breathe and reach out, people are there to give you the help you need to get back on your feet, all you need to do is ask. I was honestly terrified to get help, but I can assure you I have not looked back since and I have no idea where I would be without the support I have today.

Reason 6: Not being taken seriously.

Especially if you’re a teenager you will struggle with being taken seriously. You will be told it’s just a faze and to get over it.  Some people will not believe you until it’s too late. For me talking to my parents was a huge deal. I was panicking and I needed someone and i was so done and tired of dealing with it myself and when I finally came to my senses to reach out, I was pushed aside. Don’t get disheartened by this, for many parents they find it difficult to believe that anything could ever be wrong with their son or daughter, it’s not because they don’t care. It’s because in their eyes you’re far too perfect.

It takes time to finally get help, even from councillors and psychologists, but you have to wait it out. You’ve made it this far. Be proud of yourself, because soon you will get the help you deserve.

A little life update… (I needed to tell someone that actually understands what a big deal this is)

I have some surprising good news! So I got marks back from a drama assessment I recently completed I got 20/20 for a set design I created and a high C for the essay section of the assessment.  The essay I was very worried about and I thought I would be lucky to get at least a couple marks… I freaked out and couldn’t think so I just started making dot points, sure it was disjointed and a bit wacky but at least I completed something to hand in!

So my tips for you folks that struggle with writing under exam conditions is to not give up and just write down what you know, don’t stress about structure too much, just get something down and you can improve it from there :).


Entree #2

Hello reader! Prepare yourself for mistakes galore. I am a mess and my writing is a mess, but if someone can get something out of it I guess it’s not too bad.

So today at school I had an anxiety attack, it was completely humiliating and painful. Yesterday I didn’t go to school due to high levels of anxiety but today I tried my best to push through it today and I felt like I had failed myself because of this panic attack, but I didn’t fail myself and I just keep having to tell myself that. I tried my best and that’s amazing and I should be proud of myself.

So why was I an absolute mess? I was terrified of the future… university… a career.. It dawned on me that with the way my marks are and with the way my head is at I could never get the scores I need to get into uni.  Our class teacher was talking about early entree and how if we are struggling, early entree to university could really take the pressure off. This of course was music to my ears. I could get into uni without taking my exams?! But of course it was too good to be true, I needed good marks from previous years to show that I am a capable student and this is a problem, as I have nothing to show.  I guess from there is where the little bastard called anxiety started breathing on my neck.

To bravely put a stop to this little bastard I took a deep breath and said to myself “Omg-you-have-to-go-see-the-careers-adviser-now-or-your-whole-future-is-in-peril”

And I saw her and we talked. She was lovely. I cried. Then I was assured everything would be okay and I will get into uni. So I stopped crying. Everything was okay.

But it wasn’t okay and I had no idea. Weird huh? Anxiety is weird.

So I walked to class trying to eat what I could as I walked (since I just missed recess because I spent it all sobbing and whinging in some poor ladies office). I don’t know if it was because I was walking alone or not but I could feel a tightness in my chest.

I arrived in class and my teacher who I have talked with quite deeply about my situation saw something in me and asked if I was okay. The panic attack had already started.

I cringe now thinking about what it must’ve looked like to other students, a shaking, screaming mess on the floor. I was escorted to the teachers lounge. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, yet somehow I had enough air to scream out as if some little fucker shot me in the stomach.. good job me.. what a useful talent!  News quickly spread of my little incident… and eventually when I was calm again, still a complete mess but calm, I left my teachers lounge.  I got weird looks and no one spoke to me for the rest of the day.

I kept this short because lets face it who would want to read a long ass story about some girls anxiety attack.

I want to end this on a positive note but at the moment the only thing I can think of is that I am proud to still be fighting and working on getting better. I have come a long way.

Maybe this helps others to not feel so alone. I’m always here to talk to, just shoot me a message in the comments.

Breathe in for 3 and out for 4 xxx

For me, to you

Entree #1

So I’m intending on making this fairly personal, kind of like an emotional and creative outlet..


I’ve been struggling with writing, writing anything at all.. I swear it takes me about two hours to write one sentence for say, something like a school essay or anything work related.  Which you know isn’t all too convenient (it’s total bullshit). So through this project I’m hoping to help myself get back into writing by writing things I actually enjoy writing about. I’m also hoping to give you an intimate insight into my life whilst I make some self discoveries of my own.

I’m currently in my last year of school and getting ready to start the HSC (High School Certificate) which is absolutely terrifying, especially for someone like me that DOES NOT cope well under pressure… I tend to hand in a lot of blank papers.. Which is rather soul crushing as I used to be a straight A student. I feel as though I have been stripped of my identity and I will never get it back.  Depression and anxiety does that I guess. I’m working towards getting better I really am, but letting go of the fact that I cannot reach the perfection in my work that I used to is so incredibly difficult.

But I’m so proud of myself for reaching int this far, I never thought I would ever make it to my last year of high school let alone make it to 2017… Morbid thinking I know. I was in a terribly dark place, which I still struggle with on a daily basis, however I have found ways (and am still finding ways) to manage these intense feelings… But I will get to that later.

In these next posts I will be talking about my experiences with depression and anxiety, give you tips and tricks to help manage yours (and maybe help you to understand loved ones that are going through similar things),  and what ever else I feel needs to be written (I don’t want to put myself in a box so soon).

These entrees will vary in length, some being short and sweet some needing a bit more time to digest. Hopefully I can write things that will appeal to most of you.