Entree #2

Hello reader! Prepare yourself for mistakes galore. I am a mess and my writing is a mess, but if someone can get something out of it I guess it’s not too bad.

So today at school I had an anxiety attack, it was completely humiliating and painful. Yesterday I didn’t go to school due to high levels of anxiety but today I tried my best to push through it today and I felt like I had failed myself because of this panic attack, but I didn’t fail myself and I just keep having to tell myself that. I tried my best and that’s amazing and I should be proud of myself.

So why was I an absolute mess? I was terrified of the future… university… a career.. It dawned on me that with the way my marks are and with the way my head is at I could never get the scores I need to get into uni.  Our class teacher was talking about early entree and how if we are struggling, early entree to university could really take the pressure off. This of course was music to my ears. I could get into uni without taking my exams?! But of course it was too good to be true, I needed good marks from previous years to show that I am a capable student and this is a problem, as I have nothing to show.  I guess from there is where the little bastard called anxiety started breathing on my neck.

To bravely put a stop to this little bastard I took a deep breath and said to myself “Omg-you-have-to-go-see-the-careers-adviser-now-or-your-whole-future-is-in-peril”

And I saw her and we talked. She was lovely. I cried. Then I was assured everything would be okay and I will get into uni. So I stopped crying. Everything was okay.

But it wasn’t okay and I had no idea. Weird huh? Anxiety is weird.

So I walked to class trying to eat what I could as I walked (since I just missed recess because I spent it all sobbing and whinging in some poor ladies office). I don’t know if it was because I was walking alone or not but I could feel a tightness in my chest.

I arrived in class and my teacher who I have talked with quite deeply about my situation saw something in me and asked if I was okay. The panic attack had already started.

I cringe now thinking about what it must’ve looked like to other students, a shaking, screaming mess on the floor. I was escorted to the teachers lounge. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, yet somehow I had enough air to scream out as if some little fucker shot me in the stomach.. good job me.. what a useful talent!  News quickly spread of my little incident… and eventually when I was calm again, still a complete mess but calm, I left my teachers lounge.  I got weird looks and no one spoke to me for the rest of the day.

I kept this short because lets face it who would want to read a long ass story about some girls anxiety attack.

I want to end this on a positive note but at the moment the only thing I can think of is that I am proud to still be fighting and working on getting better. I have come a long way.

Maybe this helps others to not feel so alone. I’m always here to talk to, just shoot me a message in the comments.

Breathe in for 3 and out for 4 xxx


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